Chuck Klosterman And His 23 Questions

Chuck Klosterman published a series of essays known as Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto and within it, he had a section entitled “23 Questions I Ask Everybody I Meet In Order To Decide If I Can Really Love Them.” In my brief time at the radio program called Lost and Found on CFMU, we’d periodically ask these questions to each other in between sets. Most recently, Klosterman released HYPERtheticals: 50 Questions for Insane Conversations, which is a box of flash cards designed to stimulate conversation. Going through these cards reminded me of the original 23 Questions posed by the author. The following is the list of these original questions and my responses. You may praise/chastise me in the comments section. I encourage it. Here goes:

1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks–he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can’t learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he’s doing these five tricks with real magic. It’s not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He’s legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.

Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

Yes. Einstein didn’t create the The Theory of Relativity, he discovered it. I’m thinking if Einstein didn’t discover it, someone else would have. Besides, it’s still a THEORY, and hasn’t been totally proven. Plus the dude gave the world the gift of the Atom bomb, which killed almost 200 000 people, and threaten to kill millions to this day. Impressive, yes but that’s not something to be proud of. Meanwhile This magician can move COINS THROUGH SOLID OBJECTS. Now that’s truly impressive. He can feed millions with all the rabbits he pulls from his hat.

2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that–for some reason–every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.

Would you attempt to do this?

No. I’m not a fan of taking lives– Horse, human or otherwise. These prisoners aren’t in danger of dying, they’re just confined. I already hate watching those commercials where they show cats and dogs in terrible conditions and need my pennies a day.

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler’s skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can’t give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler’s skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.

Which option do you select?

I’m thinking the skull. I get paid for it, and I really don’t have to have people over if I don’t want to. Turtles aren’t fun pets, man.

4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called “super gorilla.” Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and–most notably–a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be “borderline unblockable” and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.

You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

Nope. It’s clear that the Buffalo Bills would need him more.

But all joking aside, this super gorilla needs to play games that other gorillas are also playing. If there was a super gorilla football league, yes. For sure. But not with humans. it’s not a racial or species thing. I just think it would sway the game. It also gives threat to escalation. Today, it’s the super gorilla. Next year, some mutant snake/spider/koala thing is going to want to play for the Montreal Canadiens. No sale.

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate’s collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear–for the rest of your life–sound as if it’s being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it’s being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it’s being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

No. While I love AIC, I’m not sure I can listen to them covering all the songs I hear on a given day. My soul mate will understand. Besides, the collarbones will heal (albeit for a very short time) but this pill’s effects are permanent. If they were my soul mate, they’d understand how much music means to me.

6. At long last, someone invents “the dream VCR.” This machine allows you to tape an entire evening’s worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don’t agree to this, you can’t use the dream VCR.

Would you still do this?

Sure. It would be fun, actually. I think I have some pretty messed up dreams and would be cool to watch it all over again. We’ll make popcorn, have beers and stuff. My only issue is that VCRs don’t record in High Def, and we’ll have to watch them all kinda fuzzy.

7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.

You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?

Loch Ness Monster, definitely. Always thought that that guy was super cool. Sasquatch was never intriguing to me, and the president may have had thyroid cancer. Pure speculation at this point. As the NYT front page editor, I’d only run facts. Not just regular facts, but COOL facts. Like the FREAKING LOCH NESS MONSTER kind of cool.

8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson’s gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film’s “deeper philosophy.”

Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

Opposites attract, so I’m guessing someone who is completely into Dark Crystal will inevitably be attracted to a non-Dark Crystal person. Like me. So yes. I’m cool with it.

9. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).

Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likliehood of you reading this book?

Since I watched Twilight with the same kind of fear in the back of my head, and decide to go with it anyway, I’d probably read the book. Or at least wait for the motion picture adaptation.

10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney’s Bright Lights, Big City: “You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning.” Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you’ve read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart’s Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to “Barracuda.”

Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?

I think I’m exempt from this, because I’ve never read Bright Lights, Big City, although I met a dude in Japan who kept singing that part, “Barrrrrraaaaaacuuuuuuuuda” over and over while we hunt for bars in Tokyo. So I suppose I’ll go with Barracuda.

11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that–somewhere–your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill.

Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?

I’d watch the rest of the movie. If she died while I was in the theatre, there’s no stopping it, she’s already dead. Not finishing the movie won’t stop her from dying. Besides, have you met my mom? Nothing can kill her.

12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, “I will now make them a dollar more attractive.” He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But–somehow–this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can’t deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though–you can only pay him once. You can’t keep giving him money until you’re satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.

How much cash do you give the wizard?

It would depend. The wizard and I would have to walk to a bank machine first to see what I’ve got, because I’d probably give him EVERYTHING.

13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.

What do you talk about?

I’d talk about how small this banquet was. We’d be better off getting a table at McDonalds for this such an occasion.

14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can’t talk and they can’t write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).

This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

Insulting, but this is because Garfield is probably one of the worst things published at this point. Besides, I’m sure not all cats hate Mondays and they seem like the type of creatures to take small trivial things and blow them out of proportion.

15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.

How do you spend the next fourteen days?

I wouldn’t go through with it. Having significantly lost my intelligence is as good as being dead. So I guess I’ll spend the next fourteen days saying goodbye to people.

16. Someone builds and optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it’s essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that—for some unknown reason—you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed.

The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?

Probably not, depending if anything else is on that is remotely more enjoyable than the CFL game. If it’s gonna happen anyway then I might as well enjoy good things before I turn into one of those people.

17. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you’ve never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. “Be careful of that guy,” you are told. “He is a man with a past.” A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. “Be careful of that guy, too,” he says. “He is a man with no past.”

Which of these two people do you trust less?

The man with a past. He’s the dude that’ll likely shiv me in the ribs when I’m not looking.

18. You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon.

Which option do you select?

The moon! I can hit Europe any time I want. There aren’t any feature deals on Flight Centre for THE FREAKING MOON. Besides, I’ll take some of that moon dust and rocks and sell it. That’ll give me more than enough to get airfare and $24,000 to go to Europe after I get back. Two birds with one stone!

19. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don’t kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can’t tell them why.

Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?

I’d kick him, fake a fall and get mad AT HIM, and say “What the hell, dude? Why are you sleeping on my floor anyway?”

20. For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as “brutally honest and relentlessly fair.” Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.

Which film would you be most interested in seeing?

The big budget Hollywood thing. At least with that, I can talk about how fictional it was. Look at Mark Zuckerberg and The Social Network.

21. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will re-experience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you’ve learned form having lived your life previously.

Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?

Probably the same time. Grade 8 was a good year, man.

22. You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumors circulating the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumor is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married coworkers. This rumor is completely true, but most people don’t believe it. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumor is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual.

Which of these two rumors is most troubling to you?

The stealing one. Stealing will get you fired no matter where you work.

23. Consider this possibility:

a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter.

b. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like.

c. Now, imagine that this person—the unfamous John Ritter—is a character in a situation comedy.

d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father.

e. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom: Everything about our life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your TV father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life.

How would you feel about this?

Indifferent, although as a Filipino, I’d probably assume that I wasn’t his biological son. The setup could be that my infamous John Ritter father called the Christian Children’s Fund when he saw Sally Struthers on TV, and then 6-8 weeks later, I showed up at his door.

So Mr. Klosterman, would you love me?

To you guys who read the questions and my answers, what would you respond differently? Reply below.

The Top 7 Things To Do In Hamilton

Hamilton is the place I’ve called my home for the past 21 years, ever since emigrating from the Philippines.. She lives behind the shadow of, and gets quite a bit of flack from the other towns and cities– Too poor to be Ancaster. Too dirty to be Burlington. Too small to be Toronto. Not enough teen mothers to be Dundas.. And so on.

But I love the Donut Rock Capital of Canada. Lots of fun stuff to do here, and I know fun. Here are 7 of my favourites. What are yours?

 

Hang out on Augusta Street. A favourite pastime of mine is to drink. This is where you’ll usually find me when I want to wet my whistle. People have been calling this place the “Next Hess Village” for the past few years now, and I am very happy that it hasn’t come true. Years ago, Augusta was where people escaped the douchebaggery that became Hess. It’s a place to drink and to revel in conversation.

Augusta is where you’ll find The Winking Judge, where they have a host of ever-changing obscure beers and ales. Drink 25 of them within a couple of months and your name goes on a brass plate on the wall: A testament to your alcoholism.

 

You’ll also catch me up at The Ship, where they serve delicious seafood-based snacks and entrees. Their beers aren’t as wide ranging as the Judge’s, but they serve Oakville, Ontario’s Cameron’s, which is quite delicious. Very good company, and the bartenders and chefs are quite nice. They’re on my Facebook.

 

Hit up Art Crawl. James Street North is home to the Art Crawl, which happens every second Friday of the month. The whole street comes alive. A lot of the galleries open up, as well as some local stores and bars, too. The action is mainly centred around two bars: The Brain and This Ain’t Hollywood, both on James North. Lots of people come down and view the art. Lots of live bands and performers come out, and it’s a lot of fun. Seems that Hamilton’s streets are turning into a pretty hip art mecca, which is much different from what Hamilton is traditionally known for. Because of the burgeoning art scene and relatively cheap rent, rumour has it that we’re getting more hipsters per capita than Toronto now. PROTIP: Tell your friends. Seriously. This kind of secret isn’t good to keep for our own.

 

Eat. With the exception of Japanese, there are some quite delicious places to eat in this city of mine. I know. I was surprised too. Here are some of my favourites:

Vietnamese: Ben Thanh (115 Park Street North) The waitstaff hardly smile, and knows very little english, but that’s ok since you’ll never see them again after taking your orders. This noodlehouse serves the best phở in town, and that’s enough for me to keep coming back over and over again. PROTIP: Try the laksa too, and squirt some more of that red stuff on it. It’ll blow your mind.

Thai: Thai Memory (25 King William Street) Look no more for great Thai. Pat is a Chiang Mai native, so he specializes in Northern Thai food, and it’s deadly. Seriously. As soon as you walk in, you’d swear you’re there. Every time I feel a bit sick of Canada, I hit up Thai Memory for a visit to warmer days. PROTIP: Holy Basil Beef is my go-to.. and his Vegetable Green Curry is amazing.

Mexican: Mex-I-Can (107 James Street North) While technically run by Cubans, you’ll still think this place is great to go, especially after or during Art Crawl. The Super Burrito is a plated affair, and the pupusas are amazing. What’s cool is that the kitchen opens and closes with a rickety door, and you get a glimpse of the magic in the kitchen when it swings. It gives a subtle “Grandma’s-Kitchen-Cooking-If-Your-Grandma-Can-Expertly-Cook-Mexican-Food” feeling. You’ll have to see it to understand. PROTIP: If you ask nicely, you can buy their green salsa, which will burn your face and you’ll thank it for the privilege.

Gyros: Queen’s Subs (54 Queen Street South) I swear to the Lord above, if you find a more delicious gyro anywhere else in Hamilton I’ll know you’re lying. John is the undisputed Gyro Man and that’s that. He makes his own Tzatziki sauce and everything, and I mean what he puts on his subs.

Fish and Chips: Worth Fish and Chips (533 Upper Wentworth Street) Located right beside 5 Alarm Wings (they’re actually owned by the same person), here is where you get your fill of english style-fish and chips, complete with newspaper wrapping. When I get the hankering for some fish and chips, this is my go-to, and I’ve tried them all. ALL. PROTIP: Ask for the Onion Ring seasoning on your fries. By the time you get home, they’re infused into your fries, and you can’t stop the flavour.

Shawarma: Safin Grill (65 Mall Road) There’s a dude there, and he’s the Shawarma King, I get my Chicken and Rice and eat it like Gollum when I take it home. Truly a delicious place. These guys make a killer falafel too. Bring cash. These guys are awesomely old-school like that. PROTIP: Get the Chicken and Rice salad put on top of it, as opposed to another container. Then spoon the delicious mixture inside the provided pitas, like the pros do it.

Italian: Paninoteca (1660 Upper James Street) I have to admit, I don’t go here often, but if I ever have a hankering for an Italian sammich just like Nonna used to make (remember, I’m Filipino and I don’t really have a Nonna) then I hit up this place. Jesus, just thinking about their meatball sub is making me sweat gravy. The good kind.

Breakfast: The Harbour Diner (486 James Street North) Located in the illustrious North End of Hamilton, this hidden gem of a restaurant is what I’ve been looking for a very, very long time. I pretty much refuse to eat breakfast anywhere else. Peameal isn’t a thin slice of bacon, it’s a porkchop dusted in corneal. When you have ham, you get a chunk off the roast. Even the potatoes you get are oven-roasted with rosemary. Periodically, specials feature some genius combination that you NEED to eat. Even the eclectic decor exudes some comfortable charm, pieced together from pawn shops and your grandparent’s basement. PROTIP: Get there early, though. You’re out of luck, otherwise.

 

Go for a walk on Locke. I love walking down Locke because of one really good reason: My dog Mona loves it there. Frankly, she’s a Locke Street Rock Star, but that’s besides the point. A lot of local shops have been there for years, and the Locke Street Bakery rivals Montreal in bagel deliciousness. Worthy of a Sunday walk. Who knows, you just might find something cool down there.

 

People watch at Jackson Square and surrounding area. This is a controversial choice, as it can get quite dangerous. While I grew up going to good ol’ Lloyd D. Jackson Square, it’s turned to be quite a hive of scum and villainy over the years, so you must be cautious. I’ve heard some crazy things happening in the food court. Stabbings in the washrooms. Drug deals in front of KFC. Some lady with plastic bags for shoes. Some dude having an argument with himself aloud, and losing. Still, I can’t help but feel misty eyed while walking through the acrid halls of good ol’ JS.. PROTIP: Watch from afar and you won’t get hurt. It’s like going to the zoo.

 

Shopping at the Farmer’s Market. Another hidden gem, I love going here on Saturdays, although they’re open Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. It’s still in a temporary place right now while they finish construction of the new market, but it’s still pretty great. Sometimes, we hit up the Portuguese shop ran by George and Maria for some fresh espresso and natta (Portuguese egg tart) for breakie before going to get fresh produce from the Filipinos in the centre, or some fresh meat and cheese near the end towards Bay Street. It’s worth it. What you get is a sense of community as you wade through rows upon rows of fresh produce and meat. PROTIP: There’s an older dude with a guitar that’ll sit in front of a microphone and croons at you some pretty hot jazz licks on Saturdays. Grab a coffee and chill.

 

Going to the Waterfront. Hamilton isn’t all about sludge. The Waterfront is evidence of that. If you’re the rollerblading type, this is your place to go. I like it because it’s a fun walk around. In the summer, we’d have picnics here on the tables. Some people even fish around the docks, and in the winter, you can go ice skating by the Marina. Just a fun leisurely place to hang. If you get hungry, get some ice cream over at Hutch’s.

 

The Top 10 Albums That Literally Rocked Me Like A Hurricane

Let’s start this off by saying that there is really only ONE Scorpions song I like. And that’s the ballad, “Winds of Change.” However, here are a list of 10 records that shaped my musical tastes in my formative years. It’s my hope that you’ll get to know me a bit better with knowing what my ears like to hear. SPOILER: There’s no Scorpions albums in this list. Makes me wish I had a different title for this article now.

In no particular order:

Metallica: Master of Puppets. So much has been said about this album over the decades, that I don’t want to regurgitate it here. From top to bottom, this album represents the best of what these guys had to offer, in their most creative time period. MoP isn’t quite as prog as ..And Justice for All or as raw and youthful as Kill Em All, but it’s their most musically perfect, melding blistering punk-infused thrash metal with classical shots infused throughout. I dare say these guys were the first to figure this out. Check out the baroque-style midsection in the title track. Or the interlude solo between the first and second verses in “Sanitarium”. The best moment of the entire album occurs just before the 4-minute mark in the instrumental “Orion” (and goes till the end) that always makes my hair stand on end. I need a cigarette now.

Nine Inch Nails: The Downward Spiral. I bought this album on a whim while perusing through Cheapies’ New Release section when I was in Grade 9. Opened the packaging on the walk to my bus stop, studying the lyrics and the artwork en route to my house. In my head I was trying to understand what kind of music it was. The imagery in the lyrics. How brutal it was. This was pre-internet after all, so there was no way for me to know until I popped the disc in. When I did, my ears were assaulted with the bludgeoning of “Mr. Self-Destruct” after what appropriately sounds like a woman being bludgeoned in the intro. The 80′s new-age fused with distorted metal vocals in “Heresy” made sure I would never feel safe. “Big Man With A Gun” was sopping wet with testosterone amidst the digital sampling beneath it. When the album ends with the drone after “Hurt” I recall being spent. I could finally breathe. My world was never ever the same size ever again after that summer.

Sheryl Crow: Tuesday Night Music Club. Perhaps it’s Sheryl Crow’s initial Southern Girl Next Door persona or the way this album got together (Every Tuesday, the members got together to jam and eventually this album was born) or maybe that Sheryl Crow used to sing back up to Michael Jackson.. I’ll never know why this record struck a chord within me, that I still listen to a lot of the songs from this album to this day. Sheryl Crow has a refined way of delivery that’s more Tom Waits than Bob Dylan, exhibited with “Run Baby, Run” but the most perfect song here is “We Do What We Can” which closes the record. You can almost smell the smoky jazz club as Sheryl gravelly croons like a seasoned lounge singer before kicking into a Broadway-inspired bridge, then going back into melancholy piano jazz. Brilliant.

Les Misérables Original Broadway Cast. If there was ever the proverbial ball thrown into left field for musical choices, it’s probably this. I like musicals. This is true. The catch is, that I only like melodramatic musicals, so no fun, happy shit in my iTunes playlists. No sir. Almost everyone knows the story of Jean Valjean, so no recaps here. The whole thing is an exercise in melody and economy. How many different melodies and lyric variations can be thrown on top of recurring themes? How can they sound fresh every time it’s changed? The answer is “many more than you think.” The musical hooks here defy all genre characterizations, and the true stars of this recording is Colm Wilkinson playing Jean Valjean and Frances Ruffelle playing Eponine. While there are very many other notable characters, these two are the emotional cores in the entire production. And they are both amazing.

Alice in Chains: Dirt. Perhaps one of the most depressing albums I own, this was what I listened to over and over in high school. I kinda always knew that Layne Staley wasn’t gonna be around for long. Accidentally, this album was the band’s homage to death and drug addiction. Dirt is totally the musical antithesis to double rainbows, cotton candy and cute puppies. The funeral dirge midsection of “Sickman” is absolute genius. The cry for help from inside the grave in “Down in a Hole” and the contemplation of suicide in “Dirt” paint beautifully stark pictures of a man who’s already given up on being alive. Unapologetically, the last song– A tribute to fallen Seattle compatriot Andrew Wood beckons the listener to “Try to see it once my way.” Unfortunately, I will never know 100% of what AIC speaks about throughout this entire album, but I hear the conviction in their strained and haunting harmonies. That’s as close as I want to be.

Pearl Jam: Ten. Late in Grade 7  when they “grunge” thing was a new subculture threatening to decimate the empire that Salt n’ Peppa, Boyz 2 Men and Deee-Lite built, Pearl Jam came up and mixed emotional, subversive and oftentimes cryptic subject matter and lyrics with great riffs, hooks and masturbatory guitar noodlings throughout. Everyone wanted to copy the way Eddie Vedder sang, even the way he sometimes acted like he was having an epileptic seizure when he did. The guitar was so catchy, songs written and honed perfectly over years and years that there was no way any of their other albums would be able to compare. And none of them ever did. Listen to “Garden” or “Black” to see what I mean. All the other subsequent Pearl Jam albums have been of varying degrees of suckyness. Ten opened my mind to explore alternative ways to write and speak, and my world became vastly different as a result.

Black Sabbath: Paranoid. Everyone always cite the title track, “War Pigs” or certainly “Iron Man” as the pinnacle songs in the best album these Birmingham guys have ever made, and they aren’t necessarily wrong.. Even the amazingly epic “Fairies Wear Boots” is also a classic, but for me it’s the trippy “Planet Caravan” that got me hooked. Very slow, melancholy and not even very metal are what makes this song stand out. Just listen to the solo, dude. The solo.

Lovage: Music To Make Love To Your Old Lady By. I sincerely believe that if this was released in 2010 or 2015 instead of 2001 it would still sound current. This album is a perpetual pendulum swing that is at times hilarious (“Herbs, Good Hygiene & Socks”), darkly sexy (“Book of the Month”) or head-shakingly depressing (“Sex (I’m a)”– a Berlin cover). Lovage is a sexier version of Portishead, if they tried harder. It oozes style without trying too hard, and has an annoying way of sticking to your soul after listening to it only once. It shows how much of a genius and a talent Mike Patton truly is. Dan the Automator’s beats will take repeatedly punch you in the chest like a high school bully. Jennifer Charles invented 1-900 numbers.

Led Zeppelin: Houses Of The Holy. The first Zeppelin album I’ve ever bought was IV, you know. The one with “Stairway” on it. But it didn’t really stick. It wasn’t only until I picked up Houses Of The Holy that I realized what immense talents lie between these four guys from the UK. Every song on this album (except one- I fucking hate “Dancing Days”) is pitch-perfect. The melancholy “No Quarter” is the album’s highest point, severely contrasting the bright orange and yellow cover with what could be the band’s saddest song. Just the delivery of the “Walking side by side with death” by Plant is enough to give me goosebumps. There’s funk if you want it (“The Ocean” or “The Crunge”), pseudo-reggae (“D’yer Mak’er”) or diddly fleet-fingered good ol’ rock (“Over The Hills And Far Away” or “The Song Remains The Same”). This made me realize that even a seemingly straight-ahead rock band can have variety.

Red Hot Chili Peppers: Mother’s Milk. If someone ever said there can be a satisfying fusion of funk, pop and punk I would’ve called them a lying sack of shit. Thankfully I discovered this album by myself. If Attention Deficit Disorder was a person, this is what that guy would listen to. Mother’s Milk was definitely a musical influence for me. Parts of my old band, Hereafter was based on the craziness I heard here. Check out “Knock Me Down” and “Johnny, Kick A Hole In The Sky.” If that’s not enough for you, how about the two covers nestled in the album? They make Jimi Hendrix’s “Fire” and Stevie Wonder’s “Higher Ground” their own.

Hello.

My name is Paul Dayco.

I hope you will get to know me in the next little while.